Despite all evidence to the contrary, the NHL is still insisting that the Stadium Series is good for hockey.
“It’s awesome! It’s bringing back hockey to its roots!” explained an obviously drunk Gary Bettman outside of a Best Western Hotel in Florida. “Who doesn’t love hockey outside, in a stadium, with terrible sight lines, and expensive prices and cashing in on ‘Stadium’ jerseys and…..” Bettman continued, before trailing off and looking into the distance. “OK, so maybe money has a little to do with it, but at the end of the day…..did I already use the “bringing hockey back to its roots” line? I did. Shit. OK, so here’s the thing……it’s bringing hockey back to its roots- SHIT. I don’t know, just buy the damn tickets.”
This years intermission entertainment is rumored to be minor league hockey players re-enacting the LA Kings 0-3 comeback against the San Jose Sharks. Joe Thornton is said to be “honored” to be part of such a “bullshit” experience, and hopes the “assholes” who put together the intermission show are “shot deader than dead a thousand times”.
Reports also state that the NHL intends to “ramp up” the viewing experience for those watching the game from home by selling “money burning buckets” so you can experience the thrill of throwing away money on a mediocre game from the comfort of your own home. They will also be offering “Stadium Series Discarded Cup” memorabilia, which allows people to buy cups the grounds crew found after the game for $50.