The Toronto Maple Leafs announced they have re-signed defenseman Jake Gardiner today to a 5 year, 20.25 million dollar deal. While many in Toronto are excited about this news, it does mean the team will have to make a roster move, as they currently sit around a million over the salary cap. While a million dollars is more than manageable, the front office is undecided about who should be moved out.
“The Hunger Games, that’s popular right now, isn’t it?” joked Dave Nonis outside of a slam poetry event. “Maybe we should have the third and fourth liners hunt each other down, and then the first guy to get killed gets shipped out hahaha” continued Nonis. “Just kidding. Don’t tell Dubas I said that. That was just a joke, that is not an indication of my beliefs in how to run a hockey team. Oh geezus, you’re going to tell Shanny aren’t you? DON’T TELL SHANNY. Don’t let Dubas know either. They’re going to fire me, oh god oh god oh god. Dubas is here for my job, I know it. Did they tell you anything? WHAT DID THEY TELL YOU??
Nonis. Unhappy. Nonis needs happy. Nonis poetry. Is. his. soul. Nonis means No yes means Dubas means The Best. Nonis poetry. Out.”
Randy Carlyle was a bit more blunt about how the Leafs could fix the situation. “Trade that **** Jake Gardiner. Hate that guy. Get him out of here. Cap problem solved.”