Canucks look to replace veteran asshole with up and coming asshole

When Ryan Kesler eventually wormed his way out of Vancouver this off-season, it left quite a hole in the lineup. Not just with the skills the former Selke winner brought to the table, but the asshole quotient as well. The Canucks looked to rectify that by drafting potential superstar asshole Jared McCann. McCann, drafted 24th overall at the draft this year, signed his entry level contract today with the Canucks.

“When we lost Kesler, we lost our ‘asshole’. You know the guy, every group of friends has one. He’s a dick to everyone, he gets on your nerves, you constantly question why you’re friends with him, but at the end of the day, he’s ‘your’ asshole, so you put up with him. With Jared, we hope to have the future star of NHL assholes on our team.” explained newly anointed GM Jim Benning.

Scouting reports say McCann already excels at certain aspects of being an asshole, such as never leaving a tip when he goes out for dinner and always bragging about bedroom conquests. Some people in the Canucks organization are concerned he doesn’t show enough on ice asshole tendencies, and have hired a special coach to help teach McCann how to bang his stick on the ice repeatedly for a pass even when he’s not open, and refusing to pass to his team mates at all times.


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