Ryan O’Reilly signs 2 year deal with Avalanche, says “finish line is in sight”

After several years of contract battles with the Colorado Avalanche, it appears Ryan O’Reilly has finally gotten his wish with his latest two year deal: He will become a free agent at the end of the next contract.

“It’s a dream come true” O’Reilly explained on his conference call from Arby’s. “I mean, you dream about this day as a kid, you know, getting away from the Avalanche. You just never know if it is going to ever happen, but today, I am proud to announce that in two years or less, I will finally be getting away from this god damn city. **** this place.”

When asked why O’Reilly was at odds with the Avalanche, O’Reilly unleashed.

“At first, it was the little things. Like, they only allow one ply toilet paper in the locker rooms. The lunches? Good luck getting anything but freaking Alfredo sauce with your pasta. And it always smells like strawberries here. I don’t know why. You would think that would be delightful, but man, that smell wears on you after a while. The worst part though was last year. Patrick Roy, geezus, you can never talk to the guy. Anytime you say something he doesn’t like it’s “I can’t hear you because of dese two Stanley cup rings in my ears”. Enough already buddy.”

O’Reilly jerseys are already being sold at 50% off at the team store.



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