Ottawa Senators to hire 12 year old Billy Thompson as Assistant GM

After news of the Leafs hiring of Kyle Dubas hit the hockey world today, the Ottawa Senators quickly went to work in order to counter their rivals. Billy Thompson, a 12 year old boy who attends Castlefrank Elementary school in Kanata, was brought in to serve as the teams assistant GM for the next three years.

“We felt it was important to get younger and make sure we had a visible plan on how we plan to bridge over to the next generation” explained team owner Eugene Melnyk.

When asked what Billy’s credentials were, Melnyk was quick to reply. “Well he hates Matt Cooke, I can tell you that much” the Senators owner chortled. “But seriously, Matt Cooke needs to be stopped.”

When reporters asked again why Thompson was brought on board, Melnyk began getting quite irate. “Look, I don’t get it, the Leafs hired some 28 year old, and the internet loses their shit over it, lauding the move and calling it “forward thinking.” So I go out and get someone TWICE AS YOUNG as that Dubas guy, and you guys are giving me crap over it? I don’t get it! GOD DAMN THAT MATT COOKE.”

Billy Thompson is said to be joining the team at the end of August, after his summer camp has finished up.

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